It’s been awhile! I have been looking forward to hitting the unpause button for some time now, and am finally in a position to do so. When I first started this blog, I knew I always wanted to keep up with it, but only when I had the time and right words on my heart and mind. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind of highs and lows, successes and failures, and everything in between. I made it through an entire season of college basketball with no injuries, and if you know my story, you know how exciting that is for me! Although it was my 3rd year on the team, I felt like a freshman again, which is technically what I am according to my roster bio:) With that, we’ll start back up again with a little recap of the last 6 months, and talk all things “expectations vs reality.”

My first blog post was all about the meaning behind “little wins big victory.” This past basketball season really tested those values, and I’ll be the first to tell you I didn’t always succeed in that, just ask my coaches and teammates. I wasn’t listening to my own advice on focusing on the little wins. The pressure I put on myself was drowning me. I’ve had to reminded myself that it’s forever going to be a work in progress, and there’s always going to be circumstances in life that will test our values and beliefs. These past season was one of those circumstances. If our values were never challenged, how would we know what they are? Every single thing we do in life is a path of small wins and losses. When we lose track of those along the way, and are constantly looking at the bigger picture- the end goal, we might get lost in a storm of negative and deflating thoughts. It might take you out completely. It’s like running a marathon. If all you’re thinking about is the finish line, and what you might do to celebrate, you won’t make it past the first few miles. If you forget to grab water or a snack, you will run out of energy and there will be nothing to celebrate. Playing a team sport can make that even more challenging. There’s constantly competition, and a wide variety of personalities, attitudes, and levels of passion. You’re not going to win a game without making sure all the pieces work together well. When one piece is out of line, it effects the entire group. I’ll say it again: little things are the most important thing to focus on in life.

picture credits- https://www.xciicreative.com/BSU-WBB/MN-Crookston-120223

I had huge goals and expectations for myself this past season. All I wanted was to get back to my “old self.” However, my team wasn’t super successful, I wasn’t putting up the stats I thought I was capable of, and I was SO hard on myself for it. It was all I thought about every single day. All of the “what ifs” and “could have beens” took over. I kept wondering “maybe those people were right, I’ll never be the same athlete I used to be.” I was choosing to not acknowledge the fact that I had come back from a torn achilles. I earned a starting spot on a Division II college basketball team after not playing in a game for nearly 2 years. Forget about sports, I was able to walk around and live my life without any pain in my foot. Medicine is incredible and I would be bed bound without it. I’m sitting here writing this thinking “how could I let myself get so caught up in the negativity when I had everything I’ve prayed for for the last few years. In the moment, I was feeling so much pressure that I was didn’t even realize how negatively focused I had become. It’s not always going to be easy to see the little wins in a storm, especially when you don’t even realize you’re caught in a storm. The lesson is found after the fact by looking back and using it to better yourself for the next time you find yourself in a rut. That intentional mindset of giving yourself grace in a storm is my challenge for everyone reading this, including myself for this next season of life, work, relationships, or whatever you’re passionate about.

Throughout the season, I still loved basketball every single day. It was always my outlet and something I had so much joy being a part of. I loved having a team and coaches to show up for every single day, but I wasn’t showing up for myself in the way that I needed to. I told myself “I’ve been through an athlete’s worst nightmare, nothing will ever put me down again.” My expectation was that I was never allowed to have a bad day in the gym, or be upset about something regarding basketball. I needed to be thankful, right? I actually am healthy and playing the sport I worked so hard to return to, so nothing else will ever be hard. Sure, it sounds obviously false when you read it, but that was the exact thing my brain was telling me. I had completely unrealistic expectations that put me in a super low place. It left me with 0 confidence or pride. The second something didn’t go my way, I put so much pressure on myself to fix it because I felt so guilty feeling upset about it. All that was doing to me was causing me to perform even worse, leaving me in a never ending cycle.

After spending alot of the season in a rut, I finally realized and accepted that just because I had completed something that was really hard didn’t mean I was automatically going to be happy, healed and “normal.” My comeback involved so much more than the doctors signing a paper that cleared me. It was relearning how to work with a team again. It was getting back into shape after not playing a basketball game for 2 years. It was mentally being strong enough to keep pushing through when things got hard. Most importantly, it was creating a NEW best version of myself in a basketball setting. All of those things on top of an already tough season WAS something that was allowed to put me down. Things are allowed to put us down and make us upset, but we have to be able to learn and bounce back. Perhaps the most important thing I took away from this season was that getting back to my “old self” never really was the end goal, because that is an impossible goal. Given what I’ve been through, all I can do is control what is possible to control, and use it to find that new self. A new self that could be even better than before. Nobody is putting the pressure on me to find who I was before I got hurt but myself, which is so unrealistic. Realizing that has given me so much peace and excitement for these last few years of college.

In the end, all of our realities are defined in God’s plan for our lives. There should be no reason to be so hard on ourselves, and be upset over not meeting earthly expectations. God cares more about our relationship with Him above all else, and that so easily can be forgotten. Jesus loves you even in your deepest rut, and don’t ever forget it:) I’m so excited for another summer of writing and as always, I would love to hear from anyone who has anything on their heart to share.

Expectations vs Reality

Give Yourself a Break